I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
