I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I will die if light touches me.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
