Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
