this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
