My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
