remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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