I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
