Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
