there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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