I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
