she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
