I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
