So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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