He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
