If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
