He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
