I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
