just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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