i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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