Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
