I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
