Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
