The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
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In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
dude. I can hear the air.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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