The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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