That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
