You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
