Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Vodka?
Forever.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
