The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
not ubering you a puppy
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
