I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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