can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
