This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
