when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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