Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
