It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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