Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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