Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
