I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
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Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
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Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.