the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature