So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.