I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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