Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
