I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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