my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
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You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
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I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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