I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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