never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I love you. Go after that dick
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
