Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
