rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
