I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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