I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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