hotel room ftw
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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