This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
