The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
