Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
