my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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