looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
