so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
So squirting runs in the family.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
