The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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