I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
